Accidentally saw one of our fb convos today

The emotions came rushing back.

He was everything to me.

And now I have no reason to wake up in the mornings.

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Too depressed to study

So, I basically wasted away this entire reading week.

I spent 3 days just sitting in bed the entire day without doing anything other than brushing my teeth and watching youtube videos.

What am I going to do??

At this point I seriously don’t care if I have to stay back a year.  I need some time to just do jack shit other than recovering emotionally and seeing an actual doctor.  I’ve had many bouts of depression and anxiety in the past (undiagnosed, but based on the criteria, I’m pretty damn sure I had it), but this has got to be the worst.  I know I need help … or anti-depressants.  School takes a lot of dedication and hard work.  It takes a lot of focus and concentration.

All I can think about right now is how life would be so different right now if he were still here.  This isn’t even my 1st time dealing with death and I’m only 24 years old. My parent passed away when I was an undergrad too.

It seems like life will never leave me alone.  As soon as something good happens, something bad has to happen in response to even out my emotions.  Life never wants me to be “too happy”.  I’m almost expecting that I will recover in a year, feel a slight bit of contentment again, and some other shit is just going to happen again.

And no, according to the records of my life, it isn’t just going to be some small shit.  It’s going to be some huge devastating Korean drama shit that most people are lucky enough to experience only vicariously through the big screen.

fuck my life, seriously.

When all you’ve ever wanted was right under your nose

It’s really sad.  After he passed away, I really started viewing life in a different light.  What did I really want in life anyways?

My relationship with my parents is kind of funny.  My parents are typical Asian parents with very high expectations.  Growing up, they inevitably had a of pressure on them.  Coming to Canada barely knowing how to speak English, with a foreign trained degree that wasn’t recognized in Canada, they went through a lot to make ends meet. Through this time, they understandably neglected the emotional connection with me, and their love felt very conditional.  If I did well at school, I would get praised.  If I won an award, I would be “shown off about”.  Otherwise, I was yelled at a lot, and even physically punished for my wrongdoings.  When I didn’t know how to do a math question, or physics question, I would be made fun of.  Instead of patiently teaching me how to solve a problem, the response would begin with, “how do you not even know how to do this?”

Naturally, my self esteem was dependent on how high I can score on tests, and how my resume looked like. I don’t blame them; I’m just trying to rationalize why I am the way I am and why I value the things I valued.

My upbringing shaped me to be the type of person who puts success over anything.  I even find it hard to make friends sometimes.  I would weigh out the things I can do with my time – socializing vs. studying for an extra hour.  Most of the times I would chose studying, because “hanging out is a waste of time”.  Even though being socially apt is an essential part of life, I just didn’t place it as priority because my mindset wasn’t built that way. Here’s another example.  When friends who I haven’t seen in a long time call me to hang out, I would usually avoid it because I feel too embarrassed about my lack of accomplishments to face them.  I fear the embarrassment of responding, “nothing much”, when they ask, “so what have you been up to lately?”

Looking back, after everything that has happened, I know what happened … a lot of it was my fault.  I know anyone who meets me is going to tell me otherwise, but I don’t care what they have to say because they haven’t been in my shoes.

I placed success and material things over the one person who meant the world to me. And that, will stick with me, for the rest of my life.

When I got into two schools, I chose the one further away from him & from home, so that I could be in a program that benefitted me in the long run.  I didn’t think how this would impact our relationship, because I was stupid and just assumed that he’d always be there.  I overestimated the strength of our relationship; I took him for granted.

When he told me to quit my job because it was stressing me out immensely, and so that I could spend more time with him before I left for school, I said no because of my blind pride.  I needed a job to “be somebody”; I needed a job “for me”.

When we argued about material things, I should have let it go.  It wasn’t a big deal. Why was I so crazy?

All this time, I valued success while imagining the amount of happiness it would finally bring me.  When, really, the part of the fantasies that really made me happy was the part where I got to do it all with him.  

What is success anyways without the person you love?  What will all of this amount to without him?  What I really wanted was him.  Now he is gone.  Now, no matter how much of what I previously valued may potentially be mine, it wouldn’t matter because all I’ve ever wanted was right under my nose the whole time.

 

I was just too ignorant to see it; and now I pay the price for the rest of my life.
This is not goodbye baby, this is a hello to the new me.  Everyday I get one day older…everyday I’m one day closer to seeing you again. 

 

Depression.

Depression. It’s that dark cloud over your head that doesn’t go away.

I have it, yet again.  I don’t think it’s going to go away this time.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t see this going away and I no longer feel that life has purpose.

I miss him so much.

Suicide Grief

About a month ago, the love of my life took his own life.  The person who meant more than anything else on this world – he is no longer here.  The  person whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, raise a boy and a girl with, raise two dogs with, is no longer here.  When I wake up in the morning, he will not be there snoring with his turtle-breath beside me.  When I leave for work in the morning, he will not be there to kiss on the lips before I go.  When something bothers me in the day, he will no longer be at the receiving end of my rants and he will no longer be there to tell me that everything’s okay.

I’ve said to him before, “I think you’ve ruined relationships for me, and I like it.  You’ve set the bar so high, that no one will ever be able to impress me as much as you.”

At 24, I feel like a widow.  I know we weren’t married, but we pretty much were.  He always said, “I love planning our future together”.  He calculated the time when we would both be finished with graduate school, and the most ideal times to have our first and second child with regard to our ages and our relative busyness during those times.  Sometimes, he would refer to me as “Olivia’s mom”.  I miss that. Now, I will never get to have an Olivia, nor will I ever be able to have the other one.

As for 2016, I thought it was the best year that has ever happened to me.  I got into all of my professional schools of choice, I am further developing the most relationship of my life, I got a full-time job that paid 2x as much as my previous job, and I was all set to move into the next stage of my life for school. Everything I had now means nothing without him.  Happiness is only true happiness, when you have someone to share the happiness with.  Sometimes I would feel like there’s no point to try in life anymore.  You can try so hard in life, but life can end within the matter of an hour.

This has really changed me in 2 ways:

  1. I’m no longer scared of dying.
  2. I value friendships a lot more.
  3. I no longer put success as my top priority.

Chasing success – that was me before; that was pretty much all I cared about.  While chasing success, I may have ignored my boyfriend’s mental health and his slow decline into what happened that evil morning which changed my life forever.  While chasing success, I became a different person.  I became somebody who was no longer sweet or  caring.  I had put my own stress / anxieties first before the person who I love the most.

If I died tomorrow, I don’t think I would be scared. I would be happy to be reunited with my love again.  I would apologize to him until my second death. I would hug him and ask him to forgive me for everything.  I would embrace him and lay on his shoulders and enjoy everyday together in another world.  As Katy Perry says, “In another life / I would be your girl / So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away, the one that got away”.

I hope this fearlessness with regards to death will motivate me to do something, instead of drowning in sorrow as I do now.  I thought that at 1 month, I should be more emotionally stable and feeling better.  But at 1 month, it’s really sinking in and I feel much worse. Maybe this fearlessness in death will allow me to take more chances in life and to go for everything I previously feared in life.  We only have one chance to live, and the time is nowhere near infinite.

If you’re thinking of suicide, I beg of you not to do it.  This is truly cliché, but I genuinely believe that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Whatever it is that is pushing you to the point of taking your own life, I guarantee that if you wrote it down, talked to someone you love, or sought the help of a professional, you would change your mind in an hour.  It may not permanently rid of those thoughts, but at least for the time being you can guide your mind to a place of healing, instead of taking away the precious life that was so graciously given to you by your parents and by God. The pain that suicide leaves to the people around you is absolutely unbearable.  I know I will live the rest of my life in guilt, questioning, self-hatred, regret, and sorrow.  People love you. I love you.

Quitting (most) social media

Social-media, while initially serving a good purpose, can be so damaging to one’s lives.

  • Want to eat that fresh-off-the-grill steak you’ve just ordered? Wait – let me take a picture for Instagram.

  • Want to enjoy that conversation on a date with your boyfriend after a stressful week at work? “But babe, hold that thought, I just got 10 likes within 5 minutes on my picture, I need to see who they’re from!”

  • Having a great time at that work BBQ? Instead of focusing on the conversation between my coworkers, I need a panoramic recording of the scene for my snapchat. Does anyone actually care? Probably not; it’s mostly for my ego.

Social media really distracts us away from what is most important in life – living in the moment and savouring every bit of it.  The need to appear perfect to our peers is changing the way we live our lives, in real time. I remembering paying 80$ for a meal once, but was too distracted to enjoy it because people were commenting on my picture and others were “demanding” a reply on Facebook messenger for some sort of favour.

Besides taking us away from the moment, I notice that social media is the breeding ground for comparison. Its really a vicious cycle.  If you’re ever feeling “down in the dumps”, scrolling through your newsfeed is the last thing you should be doing.  You thought you were the only one trying to show the best side of yourself on social media? Think again. People aren’t as dumb as you wished them to be.

A few months ago, I’ve elected to delete Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. I never really use Twitter much anymore, but I & SC are feeds I frequent when I have nothing better to do.  I’ve kept Facebook for student groups that I’m a part of, as well as Facebook Messenger as my main means of communication with people I know (knowing when people have read your message can be a huge plus).  Granted, I’ve  relapsed a couple of times and downloaded SC for a short while, but they’ve been deleted for a could months now and I haven’t looked back.  I’ve also begun to not respond to phone calls / Facebook messages past 6:00pm. After a long day at work, I’d just like to enjoy my meal in peace, not have everybody and their mothers at my dinner table.

Let me tell you, I’ve never been happier.

Keeping up with the Jones’ is so 2015. 

Look ma, I made it!

Recently, I’ve really been in the mood to make any postings on this blog because I’ve been having a mixture of feelings.  I’ll update you on the timeline of things.

Early April: School 1 interview (MMI Style)
Mid April: School 2  (Traditional interview, 2 written essays)
End of April: School 3 interview (traditional)

I feel very unfortunate to have received interviews a all three universities.  Actually, on the bus to my US, I received an email from School 2 stating that I was invited to an interview.  I felt very lucky, and like I was so close to my dream.

After my interviews, I felt pretty confident about School 1 , okay about 2 , and very very VERY bad about 3.  Honestly, I completely interpreted a question wrong, and for two other questions, I forgot what the question was mid-response … I was so tired from 3 hours of sleep that I couldn’t properly answer the question.

I was going to come here and blog about my experience at each school, and my feelings during the interview, but I felt a little bit depressed again.  I felt that if after all the work, if I never got accepted, I would have wasted this entire year for nothing, and feel like a disappointment to my Asian dad once again.  Watching all of my friends enter graduate/professional schools or full-time work while I was still working on getting into pharmacy wasn’t the best thing for an already-fragile self-esteem.

HOWEVER…to my surprise, I am excited to announce that I was accepted to all three universities!  I am ECSTATIC! The first acceptance came from 2 in early May.  3 came June 9th, and 1 came June 10th. And ever so happily, my anniversary with my boyfriend was on June 11th! It was seriously the best date ever!  In the morning, he took me to Tiffany and allowed me to pick the most gorgeous swirly shaped heart necklace, and at night, we went to eat on top of the CN Tower – it was absolutely beautiful.

Everything’s pretty great so far … but now I have to pick between the universities.  So I’ve found some successful recent PharmD graduates from Linkedin and am trying to connect and set up some phone calls with them to ask for advice.
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I’m so happy!