It’s really sad. After he passed away, I really started viewing life in a different light. What did I really want in life anyways?
My relationship with my parents is kind of funny. My parents are typical Asian parents with very high expectations. Growing up, they inevitably had a of pressure on them. Coming to Canada barely knowing how to speak English, with a foreign trained degree that wasn’t recognized in Canada, they went through a lot to make ends meet. Through this time, they understandably neglected the emotional connection with me, and their love felt very conditional. If I did well at school, I would get praised. If I won an award, I would be “shown off about”. Otherwise, I was yelled at a lot, and even physically punished for my wrongdoings. When I didn’t know how to do a math question, or physics question, I would be made fun of. Instead of patiently teaching me how to solve a problem, the response would begin with, “how do you not even know how to do this?”
Naturally, my self esteem was dependent on how high I can score on tests, and how my resume looked like. I don’t blame them; I’m just trying to rationalize why I am the way I am and why I value the things I valued.
My upbringing shaped me to be the type of person who puts success over anything. I even find it hard to make friends sometimes. I would weigh out the things I can do with my time – socializing vs. studying for an extra hour. Most of the times I would chose studying, because “hanging out is a waste of time”. Even though being socially apt is an essential part of life, I just didn’t place it as priority because my mindset wasn’t built that way. Here’s another example. When friends who I haven’t seen in a long time call me to hang out, I would usually avoid it because I feel too embarrassed about my lack of accomplishments to face them. I fear the embarrassment of responding, “nothing much”, when they ask, “so what have you been up to lately?”
Looking back, after everything that has happened, I know what happened … a lot of it was my fault. I know anyone who meets me is going to tell me otherwise, but I don’t care what they have to say because they haven’t been in my shoes.
I placed success and material things over the one person who meant the world to me. And that, will stick with me, for the rest of my life.
When I got into two schools, I chose the one further away from him & from home, so that I could be in a program that benefitted me in the long run. I didn’t think how this would impact our relationship, because I was stupid and just assumed that he’d always be there. I overestimated the strength of our relationship; I took him for granted.
When he told me to quit my job because it was stressing me out immensely, and so that I could spend more time with him before I left for school, I said no because of my blind pride. I needed a job to “be somebody”; I needed a job “for me”.
When we argued about material things, I should have let it go. It wasn’t a big deal. Why was I so crazy?
All this time, I valued success while imagining the amount of happiness it would finally bring me. When, really, the part of the fantasies that really made me happy was the part where I got to do it all with him.
What is success anyways without the person you love? What will all of this amount to without him? What I really wanted was him. Now he is gone. Now, no matter how much of what I previously valued may potentially be mine, it wouldn’t matter because all I’ve ever wanted was right under my nose the whole time.
I was just too ignorant to see it; and now I pay the price for the rest of my life.
This is not goodbye baby, this is a hello to the new me. Everyday I get one day older…everyday I’m one day closer to seeing you again.
Rainie Why 